I am a fallin. I have fallen hard for a girl and don’t intend to get up. And the most common response of late, spoken with trepidation and wide eyes, is to “take your time.” Words from a guarded heart that is filled with one’s own baggage, or from fear of whether or not it can really be good, or the belief that time filters. Can someone tell me what that means? Show me what that looks like. How can a plant in fertile soil be healthily stunted? Does is mean to give less of myself? To be less transparent? Should I calculate all the risks and weigh the rewards? Should I do my research and let her slowly earn my trust? Does it mean I should fold in more casual conversations, more trips to the mall, rather than pursuing the depth of a heart? Should I see her only every other day? Who came up with the “year long engagement” philosophy that as I look around doesn’t seem to have paid its’ rewards to most who have invested in such? Is knowing someone through all the seasons an appropriate guideline to pacing a relationship through certain milestones? Why have the questions not been about depth, but instead time has become the concern.
I understand that there is a fine line between the wise man and the fool, but I believe that it is often wise to be the desperate fool with clear eyes. And that is what I have decided to choose, to be the fool. I have lived contained. I have loved and been hurt. I have searched and been left in the dark. I have given only to be taken. And that is when the choice had to be made. I can make a long list of the rational attitudes that I could have about love, but I have found the heart I have longed for all along. And why would I let my past keep me from the rich future and even more importantly, the precious moments of today. So, as I look at the man I hope to be and what my pretty girl deserves, I am focusing on a few details of the heart and throwing the idea of time to the wayside. And in doing so, I am dancing in complete freedom as the only control I have is what I do with her heart as it beats in my calloused palms.
Slowing down has come to mean, to have clear eyes. It means, set the stage for complete transparency. It means, surrounding myself with those who can see, those who love me and will tell me the truth. We all long to be loved for who we are, so I have stepped out on this choppy water as I embrace her story and protect her heart, and love with the washing of feet. We have made it safe to vocalize fears and insecurities, to voice hesitations and crazy dreams of the future. We are listening and treasuring the gems that we each offer each other. We are out to protect each other and both have accepted the raw reality that we both have the full power to simply crush each other’s heart, or to be a source of its’ thriving. We have not been in this for a moment for our selfish longings, for a hollowness begging to be filled, but to be an example of redemption in each other’s hearts. The humility I have seen from her heart has me craving more.
Love is a gift. Trust is not earned. A heart worth pursuing, is one that will pursue in return. Redemption is a two-way street. A humble heart is one of life’s most beautiful treasures. A servant’s hand is the only one worth holding. A traveler’s feet are the dirtiest of which I dream of washing. The embracer of the least of these will balance my yoke. So, with that, I am not focused on time, but on depth. I am zeroed in on how I can love better. I am learning what it is like to be accepted as I lay my story down, just hoping to be found acceptable and beautiful. From the outside, from the world gone burnt, we are moving at an unreasonable pace, but the reality is that vulnerability should not wait for security. If it is love, it must be given away now, as time is often something to hide behind. Time will reveal my wisdom or foolishness, but today I choose simply….. to be her fool.